A letter to a friend.

Hey Alyssia,
It had been a long time since  I heard anything from you, so I had started to just wonder whats new in your life, how things are what you've been doing how college is, all that junk.
There havent been many days that pass that I dont think about you, you know, all the fun we had, days and laughs we shared. Yeah, like everyone, we had our bad days, but we always managed to get through it.
We'd put off school for hours at a time, trying every few minutes between messages to type a few words, read a few sentences or work out a problem, so we were still 'working' but usually it wasn't until late in the day and evening after we stopped talking that anything actually got done XD. I'd be your personal live-action DJ, we'd council each other, you'd turn into a ghost or something, we were so crazy, but it was all so good.
I still want to keep in touch with you, no matter what the case might be with your life, I still miss talking to you, all the fun we had :) Even if I dont hear from you again though, know that I'll never forget you.

 Its impossible to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

Peace and hair grease Aly :)

Teach Me How To Live

Hey guys. :D

I've wondered for ages what to write here. I thought about it for a long time. And I came to this conclusion:  I may not have had many life-changing events, but I know people who have changed my life. If you’ll hear me, I’ll share a story.

I remember years ago, a lot of horrible things happened—my aunt died; I lost my best friend since Kindergarten; I had constant fights with my Mom; and I started getting very sick. Things sucked. There is no better word for it. I wanted to end it so badly….and almost did. But, I honestly wanted to have a future that I could remember. So I stayed.

I needed to talk to others who could help me get my mind off of things. I met a lot of really amazing people who warmed my heart every day. I loved them all. These folks saved my life.  :D But, I also met someone special. Actually, you all know him. If you scroll down, one of the very first posts he wrote was dedicated to someone named Alyssia. That’s me.

Anyway, I remember when we first started talking. He helped to cheer me up a bit. Our first conversations were funny and silly, and got better over time. We talked for ages every day. Heck, at one point I thought I talked to him more than I talked to my family! And even if I was gone for a while, it was like no time had passed.  Conversations would reach around dreams, struggles, growth, and always orbit around a beautiful song.  I was honored to be his friend and watch him grow every day.  It was one of the happiest times I know. Man, I was actually happy.  He made me happy. Everything was great!  

But eventually, I started to be afraid of the future.  There were times where he wanted to reach out to me…call me or more, but I would shoot down everything, because I didn’t want to get attached. I was afraid that at the rate I was going, I didn’t have a future.  I learned that I had Atrial fibrillation. It’s a fancy term that means the electrical currents in my upper part of my heart don’t work right. Because of this, my heart skips beats; I have such painful chest pain to the point where I feel weak, can’t breathe and faint… It’s really scary, especially when the episodes started happening more frequently…   I was afraid that one of these days an episode would be too much for body to handle.  I was very scared….and I couldn’t handle telling anyone….

So I started backing off. At first, it was honestly for other reasons, but I could never admit that….um… I didn’t know if tomorrow was guaranteed. I was afraid of dying. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. But he helped me look forward to living. He was such an angel in my life, and I never had the guts to tell him that. You know, it was so easy to feel alone in my own space. But messages from him always brought sunlight to my day. Even if I didn’t reply or couldn’t reply, 5 minutes of reading an email gave me enough strength for 5 weeks. I don’t think he’ll ever know how special he was to me. Even if I was too proud to admit it.

  It wasn’t until recently where someone reminded me that my force-field of protection can’t block out the people I love.  I realize that you have to live life no matter how long or short it is. Smile a little, laugh a lot. Dance around like a kid or put flowers in your hair.  Enjoy life while it’s here. I just wish that I would have realized that sooner.  I miss him more than I can say, and I hope he reads this.  But even if he doesn’t, at least I was able to write my heart out. 

You know, he never said this, but he taught me that sometimes, in our darkest moments….

…..being weak can help you see your strength.

Thanks for reading. :)

Peace and hair grease,

-Aly

A letter from a girl to the boy who hurt her.

Connor,

I don't understand why you did what you did you did to me. I hate what you did and what I lost because of it. What you did cost me so much. You took a half hour of my time and ruined so much of my plan. I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER. I WANTED TO STAY AT [insert university name] AND BE AN [insert sorority name] AND LEARN AND FALL IN LOVE AND BE HAPPY.

YOU TOOK THAT AWAY.

and you made it so hard for me to trust or feel or love again--and now that I'm in danger of trusting another guy I can't because I'm scared. And because of ME and because of YOU. I'm just so screwed up. I feel like a whore and a horrible person because of you. Because of you and John and my dad and all of the stupid men i my life that I try to hard to please for god knows what reason. I'm NOT a bad girl or a bad person. you TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY INSECURITY and disrespected me. You took advantage of my fear and because of that I probably blew it with the first good guy to walk into my life in a very long time. I don't know why I can't help being so stupid with guys now. But I know that what happened with you wasn't my fault no matter how many times I tell myself that it was. And it's so sickening that I was so good to you. I didn't put you in prison or take you to court. I didn't even have you expelled. I JUST LEFT.  And all that time I spent with the police and in the hospital while you were just sitting in your dorm room--in the room that you hurt me in--sleeping on the same bed. You sat there while I was screaming in pain and were out with the guys when I drank my way into the emergency room. When I was sitting crumpled up in the corner after chapter meeting at the sorority....crying and terrified and unable to move. You were out somewhere with your brothers having a good time. And when I was lying awake at night to keep the nightmares away you were sleeping like a baby. Did you know that I kept my friends from kicking your ass? Did you know that I kept them from having you expelled for drug possesion? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE LOST BECAUSE OF YOU? How does it feel to be a rapist. How does it feel to have that looming over you for the rest of your life.  If you get married someday, or have children.  Will they know what their father did? Will they know what he's capable of? That thought terrifies me. You terrify me. I terrify me.

I don't want to be the girl I've become. Sometimes I don't even want to be. The memories of what you did haunt me every day. I have to hide part of myself because of the scars you gave me. I hate you but I want to forgive you. I want to move on.

Audrey R

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling lonely and that something was missing inside me, like one piece of a puzzle missing and you can't find that piece. 

Days and days I thought about it and it got worse. My thoughts and mood grew darker inside. 

A time I thought about committing suicide and I was really going to do it. But one day I said it was enough. 

I was tired of feeling that way. I didn't want to be in Satan's hands again and be his puppet. 

So I prayed to God and I talked to Him about how I felt and He listened to my heart.

And as I held my hands together I didn't feel my other hand, I felt Jesus holding my hand.

I felt Him in me. He helped me realize that I had always loved and accepted Him. I just didn't accept real true happiness in Him.

When i felt Him holding my hand I smiled and it FELT SO GOOD. From that day I found true happiness and I knew I was never alone again.
Even in your darkest times. He is still with you. He will never leave you alone. You just have to make the choice to  

Go run to Him, talk to Him. And He will hold you in His arms. I promise you He will listen and answer you. 

Don't be afraid because you have nothing to be afraid. God will always protect you. You are His precious child. 

You are never alone, even when you think you are. He will wait for you to turn‏ around and run to Him. 

Jesus loves you more than anyone. Remember that.‏

Anonymous

My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade. It was really hard on me, especially since my mother was the one that got custody of my siblings and I. We moved in with her boyfriend a few weeks before the divorce was finalized. My mother was not really there for us, and my future step father was verbally abusive. Every day he would make us clean the house and take care of my new baby sister. He would scream at my face and tell me that I was hideous and that I would never amount to anything. That no one loved me.

A few months later, my aunt started watching us after school. My cousin was very spoiled and they would let him do whatever he wanted. He molested my brother and I. My brother doesn't remember because he was only about 3 or 4 years old, but I do. My mother just swept it under the rug and continued to have us around him after I told her. This continued for about two years. My Dad tried to tell the cops, but my mother used her connections to stop the case.

My mother put a restraining order against my father and put me on antidepressants. These ones were illegal for children under 18 to take and I was on the highest dosage. As a result, I was very depressed about not seeing my Dad and the pills made it worse. I became suicidal, and thought about it all the time. I tried to kill myself about 17 times in the 4 months that I couldn't see him.

I was finally allowed to see my Dad on my 10th birthday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I moved in with him a couple months later, but my mother took my little brother and my half-sister with her when they moved out of state. He remained with her until the death of my step father 2 years later.

It has been two years since then, and my mother has finally gotten her act together. She is engaged to this great man and they live out of state with my little sister. My brother had to move in with her again because he had tried to touch our little cousin. He still doesn't understand why he feels that way, and we strongly suspect that he was molested again by our other cousin who was just caught. I was so angry and hurt, that I didn't see him. I didn't come home until after he had been dropped off at the airport. It was so hard, and I didn't talk to him for a few months.

Despite all of this, God is great. He has allowed me to forgive my cousin and my step father. He has healed my wounds and allowed me to forgive my mother, who has done many more things than I have shared in this brief glimpse of my life. We have never had a relationship, and we still don't , but I am able to speak with her and no longer hate her. God has even allowed me to forgive my brother, who I now talk to again. He still doesn't understand, but I just pray that one day he will and he can get some help. I used to be an angry individual, a walking time-bomb if you will. I hold things inside until I can't take it anymore, and then explode on those closest to me. That is something that I am praying for Him to fix in me, and I know that if I am faithful, He will.

Alica M.

Where to start? I guess 8th grade. In 8th grade Sept. 24 2009 I found out my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and only 3 people had had it in the world and my mom was the 4th person and it was three days before my birthday I was turning 14. My mom told me she would be fine and that there were treatments and she’d get better. I went with her to every chemo appointment and doctor’s appointment because they were after school and she was the Spanish teacher at my school. In the winter of 8th grade she had a surgery to remove it. They thought everything was fine and she would soon be done with treatments. But in the next weeks she felt worse and went to the doctor again. They found that it grew back, and it was small enough that more chemo would help, my mom was gonna take graduation pictures that winter in case she didn’t have her hair in June, but she did. At the beginning of the summer my mom was strong and always happy doing well with chemo even though she had lost her hair but as the summer continued she started to become weaker each day. She broke her shoulder in August and she didn’t know why. She simply moved her arm like she had always. She went to another doctor’s appointment and it turns out that the cancer had grown and spread through multiple parts of her body. The doctor’s appointment was on September 24, 2010 once again three days before my birthday and I was going to be 15. On the 24th she sat me and my two sisters down and told us that there were no more treatments for it and that she was indeed going to die. I asked her how long she had and she said about 4 months. All I did was burst out and cry and ran into her arms. I thought it was a dream or more a nightmare but it was real life. She held me in her arms like she had many times before and said I’d be alright that I would make her proud. As time continued she became weaker and weaker. My mom’s brain was fine it was just her body that wasn’t working properly. The nurses came to our house to treat her because she refused to die in a hospital with strangers she wanted to die at home. Soon the cancer spread to her brain and she became very weak, she would breathe deep and slow breaths. My aunt stayed at my house from the beginning of October till when she passed on November 15, 2010. I remember the night before she passed very well. I prayed to God telling him that if he needed my mother back and he could take her, I didn’t want her to suffer anymore I felt the only reason she kept living was for my sisters and I. I talked to my sister waiting for the bus that morning and she said the same thing. That morning my mom was finally sleeping well and I didn’t want to wake her I just said “Bye Mom!” in nearly a whisper. I went to school and the Morning Prayer and it said “Those who have gone will always be with you no matter what.” I felt a pang of sadness through me. I went to first and second block just wanting to go home and hold her hand and be with her. But in the middle of second block my guidance counselor came in and said they needed me in the office. I got up shaking never have I ever been more scared in my life to walk down a hallway by myself. I walked into the office with my sister Sharon we looked at each other than the door opened and we saw my uncle Patrick with red eyes then my dad trying to keep calm, me and my sister looked at each other than my dad said words that no kid wants to hear he said “Mom passed this morning.” He wasn’t strong enough he cried and cried in the office so did me and my sister. We all sat there crying, me and my sister got up went to our lockers got our stuff and walked down the hallway together. We walked in silence but before we got back to the office she turned to me cause I said “How will I survive, I feel like I can’t live anymore.” She said “We’ll survive you always have me we’ll remember the good times, she wouldn’t want this.” And we continued on our way. We got in the car and got home. All my aunts and uncles were there. My one uncle who was with my dad told them all to get out of the house and go into the backyard and not to talk to me and my sister. I entered the house and dropped my stuff as I saw my mom’s body lifeless sitting in the chair she was in for the past month. I hugged her and cried in her arms like I did many times before. That week went by in a blur and to be honest I don’t remember much. I didn’t go to school that week and I knew it was my final goodbye the day of the funeral when they lowered her casket into the ground. The next few weeks went by in a blur my friends acted like nothing had happened for my sake but I was broken into a million pieces inside and slowly falling apart. I cried myself to sleep every night and no one knew that I broke down every night. I lost faith in God for that whole year I went to church once and a while but every time I got mad so I stopped. It’s been about a year and a half now since my mom passed and I’ve gotten a little better each day but I’m still broken inside. I have faith in God but only go to mass when my school has one during the day because I never have a ride to get to Church because my sisters are still mad.

I have weeks that are terrible and all I wanna do is cry but I put a fake smile on because people always seem to think that I’m always happy and to be honest even when I actually show I’m upset no one really notices or cares. I feel alone all the time but God is always there and it helps that I have one true friend who I can count on and vent too. She’s always there for me and I’m there for her. I’m there for everyone people know they can lean on me and vent to me any time. Keep your head up things change and we can’t do anything about them. But I’ve learned to be happy because if you spend your time being sad all the time you miss all the happiness you could be taking part in. To all those who’ve lost parents I understand what you go through every day when your friends say “Ask your parents,” then they correct themselves and say sorry. And to all the kids out there who’ve ever felt alone and that no one understands or cares, you’re wrong; people do care if you ever think they don’t just remember that I care and you are not alone.

Hey Everyone!!!

Hey everyone, forgive the lack of posts recently, there has been both a lack of material, and more impairing, an inability to log in due to Internet security blocks that have not been able to be circumvented yet. Blog creator Charles H. hopes to find a way around these technical issues soon and get back underway with posting but as for now, please be patient. Keep the stories coming!