A letter from a girl to the boy who hurt her.

Connor,

I don't understand why you did what you did you did to me. I hate what you did and what I lost because of it. What you did cost me so much. You took a half hour of my time and ruined so much of my plan. I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER. I WANTED TO STAY AT [insert university name] AND BE AN [insert sorority name] AND LEARN AND FALL IN LOVE AND BE HAPPY.

YOU TOOK THAT AWAY.

and you made it so hard for me to trust or feel or love again--and now that I'm in danger of trusting another guy I can't because I'm scared. And because of ME and because of YOU. I'm just so screwed up. I feel like a whore and a horrible person because of you. Because of you and John and my dad and all of the stupid men i my life that I try to hard to please for god knows what reason. I'm NOT a bad girl or a bad person. you TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY INSECURITY and disrespected me. You took advantage of my fear and because of that I probably blew it with the first good guy to walk into my life in a very long time. I don't know why I can't help being so stupid with guys now. But I know that what happened with you wasn't my fault no matter how many times I tell myself that it was. And it's so sickening that I was so good to you. I didn't put you in prison or take you to court. I didn't even have you expelled. I JUST LEFT.  And all that time I spent with the police and in the hospital while you were just sitting in your dorm room--in the room that you hurt me in--sleeping on the same bed. You sat there while I was screaming in pain and were out with the guys when I drank my way into the emergency room. When I was sitting crumpled up in the corner after chapter meeting at the sorority....crying and terrified and unable to move. You were out somewhere with your brothers having a good time. And when I was lying awake at night to keep the nightmares away you were sleeping like a baby. Did you know that I kept my friends from kicking your ass? Did you know that I kept them from having you expelled for drug possesion? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE LOST BECAUSE OF YOU? How does it feel to be a rapist. How does it feel to have that looming over you for the rest of your life.  If you get married someday, or have children.  Will they know what their father did? Will they know what he's capable of? That thought terrifies me. You terrify me. I terrify me.

I don't want to be the girl I've become. Sometimes I don't even want to be. The memories of what you did haunt me every day. I have to hide part of myself because of the scars you gave me. I hate you but I want to forgive you. I want to move on.