Teach Me How To Live

Hey guys. :D

I've wondered for ages what to write here. I thought about it for a long time. And I came to this conclusion:  I may not have had many life-changing events, but I know people who have changed my life. If you’ll hear me, I’ll share a story.

I remember years ago, a lot of horrible things happened—my aunt died; I lost my best friend since Kindergarten; I had constant fights with my Mom; and I started getting very sick. Things sucked. There is no better word for it. I wanted to end it so badly….and almost did. But, I honestly wanted to have a future that I could remember. So I stayed.

I needed to talk to others who could help me get my mind off of things. I met a lot of really amazing people who warmed my heart every day. I loved them all. These folks saved my life.  :D But, I also met someone special. Actually, you all know him. If you scroll down, one of the very first posts he wrote was dedicated to someone named Alyssia. That’s me.

Anyway, I remember when we first started talking. He helped to cheer me up a bit. Our first conversations were funny and silly, and got better over time. We talked for ages every day. Heck, at one point I thought I talked to him more than I talked to my family! And even if I was gone for a while, it was like no time had passed.  Conversations would reach around dreams, struggles, growth, and always orbit around a beautiful song.  I was honored to be his friend and watch him grow every day.  It was one of the happiest times I know. Man, I was actually happy.  He made me happy. Everything was great!  

But eventually, I started to be afraid of the future.  There were times where he wanted to reach out to me…call me or more, but I would shoot down everything, because I didn’t want to get attached. I was afraid that at the rate I was going, I didn’t have a future.  I learned that I had Atrial fibrillation. It’s a fancy term that means the electrical currents in my upper part of my heart don’t work right. Because of this, my heart skips beats; I have such painful chest pain to the point where I feel weak, can’t breathe and faint… It’s really scary, especially when the episodes started happening more frequently…   I was afraid that one of these days an episode would be too much for body to handle.  I was very scared….and I couldn’t handle telling anyone….

So I started backing off. At first, it was honestly for other reasons, but I could never admit that….um… I didn’t know if tomorrow was guaranteed. I was afraid of dying. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. But he helped me look forward to living. He was such an angel in my life, and I never had the guts to tell him that. You know, it was so easy to feel alone in my own space. But messages from him always brought sunlight to my day. Even if I didn’t reply or couldn’t reply, 5 minutes of reading an email gave me enough strength for 5 weeks. I don’t think he’ll ever know how special he was to me. Even if I was too proud to admit it.

  It wasn’t until recently where someone reminded me that my force-field of protection can’t block out the people I love.  I realize that you have to live life no matter how long or short it is. Smile a little, laugh a lot. Dance around like a kid or put flowers in your hair.  Enjoy life while it’s here. I just wish that I would have realized that sooner.  I miss him more than I can say, and I hope he reads this.  But even if he doesn’t, at least I was able to write my heart out. 

You know, he never said this, but he taught me that sometimes, in our darkest moments….

…..being weak can help you see your strength.

Thanks for reading. :)

Peace and hair grease,

-Aly