Alica M.

Where to start? I guess 8th grade. In 8th grade Sept. 24 2009 I found out my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and only 3 people had had it in the world and my mom was the 4th person and it was three days before my birthday I was turning 14. My mom told me she would be fine and that there were treatments and she’d get better. I went with her to every chemo appointment and doctor’s appointment because they were after school and she was the Spanish teacher at my school. In the winter of 8th grade she had a surgery to remove it. They thought everything was fine and she would soon be done with treatments. But in the next weeks she felt worse and went to the doctor again. They found that it grew back, and it was small enough that more chemo would help, my mom was gonna take graduation pictures that winter in case she didn’t have her hair in June, but she did. At the beginning of the summer my mom was strong and always happy doing well with chemo even though she had lost her hair but as the summer continued she started to become weaker each day. She broke her shoulder in August and she didn’t know why. She simply moved her arm like she had always. She went to another doctor’s appointment and it turns out that the cancer had grown and spread through multiple parts of her body. The doctor’s appointment was on September 24, 2010 once again three days before my birthday and I was going to be 15. On the 24th she sat me and my two sisters down and told us that there were no more treatments for it and that she was indeed going to die. I asked her how long she had and she said about 4 months. All I did was burst out and cry and ran into her arms. I thought it was a dream or more a nightmare but it was real life. She held me in her arms like she had many times before and said I’d be alright that I would make her proud. As time continued she became weaker and weaker. My mom’s brain was fine it was just her body that wasn’t working properly. The nurses came to our house to treat her because she refused to die in a hospital with strangers she wanted to die at home. Soon the cancer spread to her brain and she became very weak, she would breathe deep and slow breaths. My aunt stayed at my house from the beginning of October till when she passed on November 15, 2010. I remember the night before she passed very well. I prayed to God telling him that if he needed my mother back and he could take her, I didn’t want her to suffer anymore I felt the only reason she kept living was for my sisters and I. I talked to my sister waiting for the bus that morning and she said the same thing. That morning my mom was finally sleeping well and I didn’t want to wake her I just said “Bye Mom!” in nearly a whisper. I went to school and the Morning Prayer and it said “Those who have gone will always be with you no matter what.” I felt a pang of sadness through me. I went to first and second block just wanting to go home and hold her hand and be with her. But in the middle of second block my guidance counselor came in and said they needed me in the office. I got up shaking never have I ever been more scared in my life to walk down a hallway by myself. I walked into the office with my sister Sharon we looked at each other than the door opened and we saw my uncle Patrick with red eyes then my dad trying to keep calm, me and my sister looked at each other than my dad said words that no kid wants to hear he said “Mom passed this morning.” He wasn’t strong enough he cried and cried in the office so did me and my sister. We all sat there crying, me and my sister got up went to our lockers got our stuff and walked down the hallway together. We walked in silence but before we got back to the office she turned to me cause I said “How will I survive, I feel like I can’t live anymore.” She said “We’ll survive you always have me we’ll remember the good times, she wouldn’t want this.” And we continued on our way. We got in the car and got home. All my aunts and uncles were there. My one uncle who was with my dad told them all to get out of the house and go into the backyard and not to talk to me and my sister. I entered the house and dropped my stuff as I saw my mom’s body lifeless sitting in the chair she was in for the past month. I hugged her and cried in her arms like I did many times before. That week went by in a blur and to be honest I don’t remember much. I didn’t go to school that week and I knew it was my final goodbye the day of the funeral when they lowered her casket into the ground. The next few weeks went by in a blur my friends acted like nothing had happened for my sake but I was broken into a million pieces inside and slowly falling apart. I cried myself to sleep every night and no one knew that I broke down every night. I lost faith in God for that whole year I went to church once and a while but every time I got mad so I stopped. It’s been about a year and a half now since my mom passed and I’ve gotten a little better each day but I’m still broken inside. I have faith in God but only go to mass when my school has one during the day because I never have a ride to get to Church because my sisters are still mad.

I have weeks that are terrible and all I wanna do is cry but I put a fake smile on because people always seem to think that I’m always happy and to be honest even when I actually show I’m upset no one really notices or cares. I feel alone all the time but God is always there and it helps that I have one true friend who I can count on and vent too. She’s always there for me and I’m there for her. I’m there for everyone people know they can lean on me and vent to me any time. Keep your head up things change and we can’t do anything about them. But I’ve learned to be happy because if you spend your time being sad all the time you miss all the happiness you could be taking part in. To all those who’ve lost parents I understand what you go through every day when your friends say “Ask your parents,” then they correct themselves and say sorry. And to all the kids out there who’ve ever felt alone and that no one understands or cares, you’re wrong; people do care if you ever think they don’t just remember that I care and you are not alone.