Anonymous

My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade. It was really hard on me, especially since my mother was the one that got custody of my siblings and I. We moved in with her boyfriend a few weeks before the divorce was finalized. My mother was not really there for us, and my future step father was verbally abusive. Every day he would make us clean the house and take care of my new baby sister. He would scream at my face and tell me that I was hideous and that I would never amount to anything. That no one loved me.

A few months later, my aunt started watching us after school. My cousin was very spoiled and they would let him do whatever he wanted. He molested my brother and I. My brother doesn't remember because he was only about 3 or 4 years old, but I do. My mother just swept it under the rug and continued to have us around him after I told her. This continued for about two years. My Dad tried to tell the cops, but my mother used her connections to stop the case.

My mother put a restraining order against my father and put me on antidepressants. These ones were illegal for children under 18 to take and I was on the highest dosage. As a result, I was very depressed about not seeing my Dad and the pills made it worse. I became suicidal, and thought about it all the time. I tried to kill myself about 17 times in the 4 months that I couldn't see him.

I was finally allowed to see my Dad on my 10th birthday. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I moved in with him a couple months later, but my mother took my little brother and my half-sister with her when they moved out of state. He remained with her until the death of my step father 2 years later.

It has been two years since then, and my mother has finally gotten her act together. She is engaged to this great man and they live out of state with my little sister. My brother had to move in with her again because he had tried to touch our little cousin. He still doesn't understand why he feels that way, and we strongly suspect that he was molested again by our other cousin who was just caught. I was so angry and hurt, that I didn't see him. I didn't come home until after he had been dropped off at the airport. It was so hard, and I didn't talk to him for a few months.

Despite all of this, God is great. He has allowed me to forgive my cousin and my step father. He has healed my wounds and allowed me to forgive my mother, who has done many more things than I have shared in this brief glimpse of my life. We have never had a relationship, and we still don't , but I am able to speak with her and no longer hate her. God has even allowed me to forgive my brother, who I now talk to again. He still doesn't understand, but I just pray that one day he will and he can get some help. I used to be an angry individual, a walking time-bomb if you will. I hold things inside until I can't take it anymore, and then explode on those closest to me. That is something that I am praying for Him to fix in me, and I know that if I am faithful, He will.

Alica M.

Where to start? I guess 8th grade. In 8th grade Sept. 24 2009 I found out my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and only 3 people had had it in the world and my mom was the 4th person and it was three days before my birthday I was turning 14. My mom told me she would be fine and that there were treatments and she’d get better. I went with her to every chemo appointment and doctor’s appointment because they were after school and she was the Spanish teacher at my school. In the winter of 8th grade she had a surgery to remove it. They thought everything was fine and she would soon be done with treatments. But in the next weeks she felt worse and went to the doctor again. They found that it grew back, and it was small enough that more chemo would help, my mom was gonna take graduation pictures that winter in case she didn’t have her hair in June, but she did. At the beginning of the summer my mom was strong and always happy doing well with chemo even though she had lost her hair but as the summer continued she started to become weaker each day. She broke her shoulder in August and she didn’t know why. She simply moved her arm like she had always. She went to another doctor’s appointment and it turns out that the cancer had grown and spread through multiple parts of her body. The doctor’s appointment was on September 24, 2010 once again three days before my birthday and I was going to be 15. On the 24th she sat me and my two sisters down and told us that there were no more treatments for it and that she was indeed going to die. I asked her how long she had and she said about 4 months. All I did was burst out and cry and ran into her arms. I thought it was a dream or more a nightmare but it was real life. She held me in her arms like she had many times before and said I’d be alright that I would make her proud. As time continued she became weaker and weaker. My mom’s brain was fine it was just her body that wasn’t working properly. The nurses came to our house to treat her because she refused to die in a hospital with strangers she wanted to die at home. Soon the cancer spread to her brain and she became very weak, she would breathe deep and slow breaths. My aunt stayed at my house from the beginning of October till when she passed on November 15, 2010. I remember the night before she passed very well. I prayed to God telling him that if he needed my mother back and he could take her, I didn’t want her to suffer anymore I felt the only reason she kept living was for my sisters and I. I talked to my sister waiting for the bus that morning and she said the same thing. That morning my mom was finally sleeping well and I didn’t want to wake her I just said “Bye Mom!” in nearly a whisper. I went to school and the Morning Prayer and it said “Those who have gone will always be with you no matter what.” I felt a pang of sadness through me. I went to first and second block just wanting to go home and hold her hand and be with her. But in the middle of second block my guidance counselor came in and said they needed me in the office. I got up shaking never have I ever been more scared in my life to walk down a hallway by myself. I walked into the office with my sister Sharon we looked at each other than the door opened and we saw my uncle Patrick with red eyes then my dad trying to keep calm, me and my sister looked at each other than my dad said words that no kid wants to hear he said “Mom passed this morning.” He wasn’t strong enough he cried and cried in the office so did me and my sister. We all sat there crying, me and my sister got up went to our lockers got our stuff and walked down the hallway together. We walked in silence but before we got back to the office she turned to me cause I said “How will I survive, I feel like I can’t live anymore.” She said “We’ll survive you always have me we’ll remember the good times, she wouldn’t want this.” And we continued on our way. We got in the car and got home. All my aunts and uncles were there. My one uncle who was with my dad told them all to get out of the house and go into the backyard and not to talk to me and my sister. I entered the house and dropped my stuff as I saw my mom’s body lifeless sitting in the chair she was in for the past month. I hugged her and cried in her arms like I did many times before. That week went by in a blur and to be honest I don’t remember much. I didn’t go to school that week and I knew it was my final goodbye the day of the funeral when they lowered her casket into the ground. The next few weeks went by in a blur my friends acted like nothing had happened for my sake but I was broken into a million pieces inside and slowly falling apart. I cried myself to sleep every night and no one knew that I broke down every night. I lost faith in God for that whole year I went to church once and a while but every time I got mad so I stopped. It’s been about a year and a half now since my mom passed and I’ve gotten a little better each day but I’m still broken inside. I have faith in God but only go to mass when my school has one during the day because I never have a ride to get to Church because my sisters are still mad.

I have weeks that are terrible and all I wanna do is cry but I put a fake smile on because people always seem to think that I’m always happy and to be honest even when I actually show I’m upset no one really notices or cares. I feel alone all the time but God is always there and it helps that I have one true friend who I can count on and vent too. She’s always there for me and I’m there for her. I’m there for everyone people know they can lean on me and vent to me any time. Keep your head up things change and we can’t do anything about them. But I’ve learned to be happy because if you spend your time being sad all the time you miss all the happiness you could be taking part in. To all those who’ve lost parents I understand what you go through every day when your friends say “Ask your parents,” then they correct themselves and say sorry. And to all the kids out there who’ve ever felt alone and that no one understands or cares, you’re wrong; people do care if you ever think they don’t just remember that I care and you are not alone.

Hey Everyone!!!

Hey everyone, forgive the lack of posts recently, there has been both a lack of material, and more impairing, an inability to log in due to Internet security blocks that have not been able to be circumvented yet. Blog creator Charles H. hopes to find a way around these technical issues soon and get back underway with posting but as for now, please be patient. Keep the stories coming!

Audrey R.

This story will really long because I'm putting all my heart and hope into it and urgeness. My life was a TOTAL HOT MESS when I wasn't seeing God and just didn't decide to listen. My parents broke up when I was only a few months old. I would sometimes see my dad but he stopped seeing me and started to ignore me around the age of 8. He never called to check up on me or say "Happy birthday!" or say "Merry Christmas" nothing. He ignored my texts or just didn't want to respond. When he would call me, which was really like once a year, he would promise that he would come and get me so we can spend time, but he never came to get me. As I grew older I startled to struggle with this situation and on top of that my grandpa was dying...so I became depressed. I would be so depressed that no matter how hard my closest friends would try to cheer my up I ended up hurting them and making them cry. And as usual, I thought that it was my fault that they were sad and not happy and smiling. So I started cutting myself on my arms. When I started this I liked the pain so I got addicted to it and started doing it more and more daily with broken glass that I would find. I was so sad that I thought everything was my fault: My dad ignoring me, making my friends sad, my grandpa's death, and trying not to be perfect for all the people I love. Some nights I would literally cry myself to sleep blaming God and asking Him why did He take my dad away and my grandpa. But then I slowly started to realize that it wasn't God's fault... it was my dad's choice and my grandpa's time to leave.
That's when I grew numb. I hated everything I didn't deserve friends that loved and cared for me. I thought bout committing suicide I even thought bout pills over choking my self in my closet or jumping off of roof. But I could never do it. Then when I started going to my high school (Bloomington Christian WOOOO Ravens!) I saw how much I loved God and worshiped Him. I love going to chapel, and everyday I grew more thirsty and hungry for God. But the person that gave that extra push was my bible teacher. She urged and urged me and finally I gave in, I accepted God. I knew He would love me FOREVER and will NEVER ignore me. How do i know this...by experience. Every time when I thought about committing suicide or drinking it was God who helped change my mind and kept me from making those stupid mistakes. I am blessed because He never left me and His voice was always in my mind. The Lord loves and cares for us. As powerful as God is He could take your life right now.....but you know what's stopping him, His love for you. if you don't, then ask why hasn't he taken your life yet, He loves you and his giving you MILLIONS OF CHANCES. So why ignore his call??

Will S.

Around the time I turned eight, my parents divorced. Not gonna lie here, that hurt. I became a Christian, or at least started calling myself one, when I was around 12. I didn't really attend church all that much until I was fifteen, which, coincidentally, was when I hit the beginning of my depression. Girls, grades, and a social life heaped a ton of depression and sadness on me and I started thinking, weekly, of suicide. Every day was a struggle, and last year it was the worst. Every time I was near a high place I thought about jumping, every time I saw something sharp I wanted to slit my wrists. Nightly, I cried for about two hours into my pillow and begged God to kill me. Nightly, he didn't. I took matters into my own hands a few times by trying to hang myself. That didn't work. I had this huge hole inside me and I couldn't fill it with anything. I tried drinking, I got into some bad crowds, I did everything you can imagine to try and fill that hole but the only thing I found that worked was God. Gradually I came out of my depression through church, being in the band, and exploring my relationship with God to it's fullest. Today I can say that, even though depression is still a day to day struggle, I have someone who I can lean on when the pain hits a new level. I owe my life to Christ and my salvation, and don't want to ever see anybody go through that kind of pain again. So, I try to share my faith and the awesome relationship I have with God. This is me, this is my relationship with Christ, and this is my story. And it's 100% true. 

Addam J. H.

Three years ago...wow, I can't believe it's been three years...I was still grieving over the rather gruesome death of my best friend and faithful companion, my dog, Donny. Three years ago, I never expected for love to find me, and not on a church retreat. But, lo and behold, there it was, sitting at the table in front of me.

We had gone up to Thousand Oaks, to CLU for a retreat, and all of us were going to "workshops" in the classrooms. The rest of my group went to this weird workshop, but I went, by myself, to a workshop where I was allowed to meet the members of the band that would play that weekend (and that I had already heard before, DSM).

Okay, so I was in this workshop, and this girl, along with her friend, walk into the room. As usual, I say hi, and ask her name, and I strike up a conversation, but this time, it's different... I...was nervous.

It may have something to do with the fact that she giggled a bit, but I think it was much more than that. Throughout the workshop, we looked at eachother, back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Well, after the workshops ended, we parted and I went back to what I was doing before, which was hanging with my friends. I told them about her, but they didn't believe me, until she showed up in the church service later that evening. (BTW, I'm a hardcore Christian, so if anyone doesn't like God, or Christ, skip this. You'll hate it. Everyone else, keep reading.) She walked in, and I...sat next to her. I had never done that with any girl before.

After the service, there was a carnival of sorts, and we walked over there, hand-in-hand, side-by-side. Throughout the night, we mainly just sat around, talking and sometimes cuddling. I honestly never expected that to happen. I know it's not as exciting as some might have though it would be, but for me, this was one of my happiest moments. Up until now, I had been plagued by the pain of my dog's death, but now, I felt as though God had suddenly said:"ENOUGH".

Although our "romance" lasted a very short time, I will remember it always, not as some sort of a non-sexual-fling, but as my first, and perhaps only, encounter with an Angel. I know it seems a bit corny, but I just feel that she was sent to me, to help me move on. Now, as a senior, my thoughts drift back once in a while to that night, but it has also taught me to move forward. I now realize that, although sometimes friendships and love can be short-lived, the feelings they create will last forever.

To me, Angel will always be spelled with an "i" on the end, (her last name), and, yes, this is corny, but every word of it is true, and every feeling expressed was felt by yours truly.

If you don't believe me, think about the last time you saw an angel. Did he or she have wings and a white robe, or did they look like a normal person?

Taylor M.

You know that moment when you think everything in life is going amazing then you're at such a low point in life you finally look in the mirror? I was a drug addict to heroine and cocaine at the same time. My ex boyfriend got me into it and we shot up all the time. Sad life really. You sleep, wake up, eat, throw up what you ate, shoot up, then lay around numb. You literally are a walking breathing zombie. No thoughts. No emotion. Just....gone. May 17th i remember the day so clearly. I had gone over to his house and he had gone downtown earlier and gotten us a few ounces of cocaine and twenty shots of heroine. I had shot up with him and did four lines of coke then I had to go to the bathroom. I stayed in that bathroom for two hours and he was so gone that he didn't notice. As I sat there in that bathtub bawling my eyes out I got this random text from this random person. I didn't even recognize the number, but all it said was "Jesus loves you!" I stumbled out of the tub and looked at myself in that single paned glass mirror...what have I done to myself. That moment being able to look at what a mess I was really lowered my thinking and caused me to think about life. I quit the drugs, did some self rehab, and got back on my feet. Really life is sorta a mirror if you think about it. Whatever you do in your life it really reflects on yourself...just make sure you look at the mirror and see what you can change about yourself to be everything that you can to live life to the fullest.